If the thought of family gatherings during the holidays brings forth some difficult emotions, you’re not alone. Family conflicts and a lack of boundaries can make some holiday events less enjoyable.
There may be various reasons a conversation can become heated, but you can respond to these kinds of events in a constructive, positive way that impacts resolution. Creating a caring culture is helpful when someone is angry or agitated. It may be challenging, but your calm demeanor can set the tone.
Remember that anger may be a sign that the person is in distress, experiencing fear or frustration. Be empathic and actively listen.
Reasoning or problem-solving with an enraged person is impossible. Effective communication skills are the key to settling, resolving and de-escalating a situation.
Statements that can help
Knowing exactly what to say during a charged situation may be challenging. As you actively listen to understand in a way that ensures effective communication and builds trust, you may respond with statements such as these:
Acknowledging emotions
“I can see you feel very strongly about this.”
“It sounds like this is really important to you.”
“I hear what you’re saying, and I appreciate you sharing your perspective.”
“I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling this way.”
“I realize how frustrating this must be for you.”
Seeking clarification
“Can you help me understand what you mean by that?”
“I’d like to make sure I understand your point correctly—can you explain a little more?”
“It sounds like you’re feeling (name the emotion). Is that right?”
“I want to make sure we’re on the same page. Can you confirm if I understood you correctly?”
“Are you saying (summarize what you’ve heard)? Or did I miss something?”
Show willingness to find common ground
“I think we both want the same outcome. Let’s figure out how to get there.”
“We may see this differently, but I respect your perspective.”
“Let’s focus on solutions rather than the problem.”
“What would you like to see happen in this situation?”
Setting boundaries
Sometimes, it may be necessary to make a statement to maintain a respectful and productive conversation. This may include asking someone to avoid using inappropriate language, lowering their voice or speaking more respectfully. Here are statements that help to set boundaries:
“I hear that this is frustrating for you. I want to listen, but we need to keep this conversation respectful.”
“I’m trying to help you, but the language is getting in the way. Can you refrain from using inappropriate language?”
“I want to understand your concerns but can’t do that if we’re shouting. Let’s take a breath and talk this through calmly.”
“I am happy to talk this through, but I ask that you speak to me respectfully.”
“If we can’t speak to each other respectfully, I’ll need to step away from this conversation.”
Taking a break can help
Pausing charged conversations may become necessary because it allows emotions to settle, prevents impulsive reactions, and creates space for thoughtful responses. If you need to take a break, you may say:
“I think we’re both getting a bit frustrated. Would you be open to taking a short break and returning to this?”
“I want to give this conversation the attention it deserves. Can we slow down and talk it through?”
“Let’s take a deep breath and try to reset this conversation.”
“I value this discussion, but I think we both need a moment to step back and process before we continue.”
“I don’t want us to say something we’ll regret. Can we take a pause and come back to this in a bit?”
“I need a moment to collect my thoughts. Can we pick this up in an hour or so?
Winding down the conversation
Once you feel progress has been made, paying attention to concluding the conversation in a way that ensures it ends on a constructive note is essential. It’s always a good idea to make sure the other party has a clear expectation of what happens next. Assumptions and miscommunications can lead to difficulties later. You may consider:
“I value our relationship, and I don’t want this disagreement to come between us.”
“I respect you and what you have to say, even if we don’t fully agree.”
“You’re making some good points, and I want to take the time to think about them.”
“Just to ensure we’re on the same page, we’ve agreed to (recap the main resolution or action steps).”
“From what I understand, we will (take these next steps) moving forward. Does that sound right to you?”
Mastering these skills can foster mutual understanding and build stronger connections with others. With practice, you can turn difficult discussions into opportunities for resolution and positive change.